The 2011 Manifesto

Don’t reward TV stars for being shits by watching their shows.

If you watch a programme to point out how awful it is, you’re responsible for it still being on TV.

You can laugh at the Orange adverts where they hilariously incorporate product placement into scenes. But bear in mind that it was filmed on-set, with the real stars.  Consider how wrong that is

Don’t lower your standards for films. Decreased expectations was the reason Pirates of The Caribbean was so successful

In rom-coms, realise that any career-minded person will end up looking after the child/animal that appears 15 minutes in, which will completely change their outlook on life. Feel free to switch off after 15 minutes, if not before, and fill in the rest yourself

A film will never be like either of the films it’s supposed to be a cross between

Never purchase films, books or music just to have in your collection.

‘Lol’ should only be used ironically. This has applied since 2008, but many seem to have missed it

American sports fans, stop making ‘clever’ signs with sentences incorporating the name of a TV network (e.g. Every Spur Pisses Newts). This was played out eons ago. Being American is not an excuse, stop it

Recognise that not all chocolate is created equal. A king size bar will be 140% larger, yet 50% less tasty

Appreciate the natural order of Irn-Bru. Glass bottle > can > small plastic bottle > large plastic bottle

Effort can never be greater than 100%. Anyone who states otherwise should be beaten to death.  With 110% effort

Make friends with a Jew

You can’t disagree with a review if you have no experience with the product in question. “This will be at least a 8” is an idiotic statement deserving of punchy-face

No beer exists that won’t give you a hangover, expensive and German or Tesco and Value.

You should always know what the slogan on your t-shirt means

You don’t always have to know what the lyrics to songs mean

Nike discontinue shoes after 18 months, stop being surprised by this

Reduce. You’ve got too much everything. Reduce things, clothes, Twitter followers, Twitter use, files. You subscribe to too many podcasts. Delete music from your mp3 player, restrict your listening, force yourself to listen to albums.

Force yourself to listen to albums

Start to blind buy again

Don’t watch a film on a phone

Don’t listen to music through a phone’s speakers. The technology might be good, but it’s still a phone. There’s a headphone jack for a reason

Besides playing games, your laptop can do all the things your console can, but better

Realise that god never meant for some things (midgets, Pat Butcher) to be seen in HD

Appreciate thalidomites before they’re all dead and gone

Embrace the jobbie book concept

No more composite names for celebrity couples.

Ban usage of first initial and shortened surname to give an athlete a nickname (don’t forget the horror of R-Jeff and D-Steve)

No more fucking ‘Hitler discovers’.  Leave Downfall alone

Return to Old Fashioned Blogging. Take photos, and pepper your posts with them. Yes, they might be shit, do it anyway

Look for weird stuff purely to photograph and blog about

Track your life. 2011 needs stats, no matter how mundane

Make a list of films to watch while drunk. Get drunk and watch them NOW!!!  Or soon

Re-introduce ceremony into your life

Give films your concentration again.  Put your phone away, put your laptop down, put your cat in the bin, and watch the film properly.

Embrace the 60-minute holding pattern.

Recognise that your online persona is no longer separate from your real life one

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