Rubbish notes on Star Wars Episode 3 – Revenge of the Sith

The opening crawl reminds me of the time I tried to make a Star Wars ‘multimedia experience’ while at uni using Macromedia Director.  I accidentally deleted all the videos from it on the day it was due.  It was rubbish anyway #trueamazingstories

The first word after the title is ‘War!’.  More films should start this way.

“Dooku, dooku” – KRS One

“There are heroes on both sides.  Evil is everywhere”.  What wonderfully vague and bland writing.

I’m all for CGI when it’s used subtly to enhance other effects.  You know, like George Lucas does.

Both ‘a bad feeling’ and a ‘trap’ have been checked off within the first 5 minutes.

“Double the pride, twice the fall” – Count Dooku.  So, 2(Pride)=2(Fall).  Or to use the lowest common denominator, pride=fall.

There’s a great bit of editing in the Dooku fight scene.  Dooku is 2 feet from Annakin.  Annakin walks 5 feet forward, Dooku’s somehow 5 feet away.

General Grievous sounds like a rubbish Mr Eko.

I looked at the wall through this entire exchange:

“You’re so beautiful”
“It’s because I’m so in love”
“No, it’s because I’m in so love with you”
“So love has blinded you?”

 

In the Yoda confessional, he tells Annakin “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose”.  That’s like the Star Wars version of the Heat ’30 seconds’ speech.  You know, for kids.

“All of this is unusual, and it’s making me feel uneasy” – Obi-Wan.  Some screenwriter has found a brilliant way to point out things aren’t quite right.  “Hey, this coffee is ungood and your wife is unpretty, but tell your daughter to unkeep her clothes on”.  I await other ‘un’ words eagerly.

‘Unfair’ is said, mere minutes later.

“How does this lightsaber taste motherfucker?!” – Mace Windu.

Literally nothing is happening.

Annakin goes to see Palpatine, who’s watching The Abyss in 3D.

Darth Plageus?  More brilliant namery.

I may be the only person in the entire world who doesn’t have a problem with the midichlorian explanation.

Okay, so Obi Wan stealthily sneaks off of his ship to spy on Grievous, then rides about on the noisiest fucking thing in the universe?

Some of the editing in the Grievous/Kenobi fight scene makes a mockery of our notions of time and space.

“General Kenobi has made contact with General Grievous.  General George had decorated the place, Colonel Sanders had provided the food, but Sergeant Slaughter turned up and caused a whole lot of hullabaloo”

To die of a broken heart is now known as ‘a Padmidala’ (which itself is a Portmanteau (do you see what I did there? (it’s very clever (I love these nested brackets)))).

It’s hammy as hell (“ultimate power!!”) but I really enjoy the demise of Windu.  It’s the point of no return for Annakin/Vader, now he’s had his first hit of the dark side.  Which makes him the Bubs of the Star Wars universe.  I can’t believe I’ve just made that comparison.

Order 66 is a brilliant scene.  But it changes the power of Jedi’s to suit the plot.  The ones that simply get shot in the back, that’s fair enough.  But the Jedi who know that they’re about to get shot, and still can’t put up a fight, that’s a bit ridiculous.  Any other time we see Jedi, they can saber-block 50 shots from a droid, but they can’t stop 4 shots from clones?  Now this film is just unrealistic.

Surely ROTS hinted that Order 66 even existed?  Isn’t that what films do?  We, the omnipotent (and sometimes impotent) viewer knows, or at least suspects, that something bad is about to happen.  But I didn’t see that moment here.  Again, perhaps I missed it.  And no, you can’t count the original trilogy as a hint, shut up.

“He was deceived by a lie”.  It’s harder to be deceived by the truth, with it being the truth and all.

It’s good that there’s a little fan blowing Ewan McGregor’s hair about, otherwise we would think the planet he’s on is just a special effect.  This is another thing with all the CGI, there’s never a true sense of peril.  Even in a world where he’s surrounded by spurting lava, McGregor is utterly composed.  No one reacts to their surroundings in the slightest.  It’s as if, not only were they in front of a green-screen, but no one knew what would be added in later, so there was nothing in the studio to respond to.  Besides George Lucas in his platinum throne, cackling away while burning $100 bills with an R2 lighter.

Yoda is surely more backward-speaky in the prequels.

And here’s the big causality moment, sports fans.  Annakin lies, un-limbed and helpless, in front of Obi-Wan.  Kenobi, being the beardy softie that he is, doesn’t finish him off.  A quick beheading, and Hope-Jedi would’ve been very different.  What we needed was an evil version of JJ Binks coming in to help move the leftover bits of Annakin.  Binks trips over, and accidentally kicks Annakin into the lava, burning the shit out him and ruining the original trilogy.

The sheer awfulness of the Vader ‘stomp, stomp, Frankenstein’s Sith, nooooooo’ moment makes people forget how awesome that scene previously was.  When the Vader mask locks on, and the only noise is his breathing, that’s hot Star-Warsian sexplay right there.

“Take them somewhere the Sith will not sense their presence” eh?  Yoda might be handy with a lightsaber and telekinetic abilities, but he’d be rubbish in witness relocation.

All that Revenge of the Sith needs to be an awesome film is a slight re-edit.  Here’s how it should go:

Opening crawl –  ‘War, yadda yadda.  Jedi Master Mace Windu is locked in battle with the evil Chancellor Palpatine.’

Cut to:
Annakin cutting Windu’s arm off, Palpatine electrocuting him, Windu falls out the (Mace) Window
Palpatine overdub: Right Annakin, that’s you bad now.  Now I’m going to execute Order 66, which will kill the rest of the Jedi

Cut to:
Loads of Jedi get killed

Cut to:
Without explanation, the Vader mask going on.  Scene plays til the cool breathing bit

Cut to:
Vader and Palpatine looking at construction of the Death Star

END CREDITS

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