Things to know about Point Break
Released in 1991, it’s about Johnny Utah (played by Wooden Keanu Reeves), an FBI agent, trying to stop a gang of bank robbers known as the Ex-Presidents. The gang all wear masks of former presidents (hence the name), and are led by Bhodi (Patrick Swayze). Utah is partnered by Pappas (Gary Busey), as he goes undercover as a surfer to infiltrate the gang.
Why it’s 80s, despite being realised in the 90s
There’s spontaneous yet synchronised yelling
Someone surfs on a desk
Someone jumps into a pool in a comical ‘I don’t give a fuck it’s the 80s’ fashion
The robbers are so wacky that they talk in-character as presidents
Cops banter and shoulder-push each other
There’s a character called Warchild
About 40% of the dialogue is “whoo”
Keanu invents a story about his parents being dead. He deserves an Oscar for his portrayal of an utterly unconvincing liar.
John C McGinley, with his aggressiveness and criticism, is just playing a time travelling, law enforcement Dr Cox. I half-expected him to call Keanu ‘Nancy’.
Busey’s first appearance. The way you can tell that this is an old film, is that Busey’s face doesn’t look like halves of two vastly different-sized faces stitched together.
Busey calls Utah ‘Johnny Unitas’, and I feel like a jock because I know who that as. Then Utah introduces himself as ‘Quarterback Punk’ and I don’t recognise that name at all.
“The ultimate ride” – I now realise that Point Break is a bigger budget remake of Gleaming The Cube. The similarities are all there – the boarding, music, a dead, Korean adopted brother.
Sense just went out the window. Utah and Pappas (Reeves and Busey) suspect that the robbers might be surfers. They go to the beach so Johnny can buy some surfing gear. Now, they don’t know what beach the robbers surf at yet, so it could very well be this one. Nevertheless, Utah and Pappas turn up in their suits, looking utterly conspicuous. If Swayze had spotted them, it’d all be over. And I wouldn’t have to sit through any more.
In a beach American football game, Utah breaks about 7 tackles. He’s a QB. This just got unrealistic.
Some “Nazi azzholes” arrive and mess up Keanu before Swayze saves him. Surfer Nazi’s? (they must die). I’d take my chances against them. They might be built and all, but one of them is Anthony Kiedis.
A total slap-forehead moment when we find out that Swayze’s character surfs for spiritual reasons. Of course he does. I think someone mentioned his nickname is ‘Bodhidharma’. I hate this. Bodhi is like the Sebastien Foucan of surfing. He’s not.
“There’s too much testosterone here” the chick says. Kathryn Bigelow waited until the end of the 80s, got every action film from the past 10 years on VHS, liquidised them, syringed the leftovers, and shot it straight into a scriptwriters ass. 19 minutes later he had written Point Break. “Too much testosterone”? Here there’s no such thing.
More whooing ensues.
“I can’t describe what I’m feeling” – Reeves. You’ll have to, because we definitely can’t tell from your face.
I’ve kinda stopped watching, the internet beckons.
Google Docs wants to change ‘internet’ to ‘Internet’ or ‘Internets’
Keanu, like, totally nailed a chick. A deleted scene will show him pull a Wyld Stallyns air-guitar move on completion.
Utah and Pappas and two buster cops go to arrest the Nazi’s, believing them to be responsible for the robberies. What we find out is:
a) They’re not responsible, but are willing to throw down regardless (with automatic weapons no less)
b) Nazi’s get hot chicks
A massive trainer waste as Kiedis shoots a hole in a nice Reebok Pump.
The cop/Nazi battle continues into the garden. I wish for a face to be pushed into a lawnmower, and am almost granted my wish. It does seem a bit ridiculous when I realise that the lawnmower could easily be pushed to a safe distance.
“Speak into the microphone squidbrain” – Busey. At least it’s better than ‘butthorn’. For your sake I hope you don’t know what I mean.
Tom Sizemore as a DEA agent tells Utah that the Nazi’s have an alibi for the day of a crime. Good to see organisations sharing information.
Utah has a moment of amazing thinking. Swayze’s crew are the robbers. Apparently this never crossed his mind.
The surfers think that Utah is a lawyer, but he always has time to surf. Everyone is stupid.
Mention of a club called “Patrick’s Roadhouse”. A reference as subtle as a Dalton roundhouse kick.
Utah and Pappas are staking out a bank. A chap arrives selling oranges. Is some people gonna die? Utah goes to buy a cop’s drink of choice, lemonades (The Bunk and McNutty would disapprove) and both miss the Ex-Pres enter a bank. Idiots.
There’s a chase. I briefly lose track. Next thing I know, Reeves and Swayze are fighting. Both are on fire. This is Point Break in a nutshell.
Utah bitches out while chasing Bhodi and can’t bring himself to cap him. That’ll come back to haunt him in Matrix 4.
There’s a sound effect of a dog barking used on the Wu-Tang Clan’s second album. Now that I recognise it, I’ve heard it in at least a billion (or eight) other places. It’s like the Wilhelm Scream for doggies. It’s used in Point Break of course, otherwise that would be pretty random.
“Why can’t I say what I really mean?” – Utah. An appropriate line for someone who never seems to mean anything he ever says in any film ever.
The surfers come to Utah’s house and demand he comes sky-diving with them. These being the men he tried to arrest the day before. He goes along anyway, but nearly brings his gun, so that’s okay.
We’ve moved onto air-surfing now. They free-fall, Utah makes a whoa, they all make a whoa. And we’re now at the most preposterous part of the film. Utah gets so caught up in the skydive, he forgets that these men are most likely planning to kill him. He’s in full Bill & Ted mode now, laughing and grinning (and whoaing). Either skydiving is so thrilling as to overcome all his fears or he’s got a memory span to mirror Guy Pearce’s in Memento.
This film is a two-hour long whoo. Also, Johnny’s face wounds have completely healed when he’s parachuting. Now that’s an endorphin rush.
This is really, really stupid
Oh god, there’s a tape showing Utah’s kidnapped girlfriend. This means that Keanu is going to try and emote.
Keanu’s face moves.
Any film that uses the line “Don’t look at me!” is a good film. I am a hypocrite.
Earlier I wondered why Swayze, in-character as Ronald Reagan, said “Allo, allo, allo”. But just now he said “nobody fucking move” in a Scottish accent. I’ve given up trying to seek sense.
Where are John C McGinley’s lips?
Because of the kidnapped bird, Keanu agrees to help with the next robbery. He’s left their by the gang and understandably arrested. But now Busey has knocked McGinley and un-arrested Keanu.
Swayze values loyalty more than dancing, and twice as much as meditating
Johnny is distraught. Or angry. Or hungry. Nevertheless, he’s on a plane with the gang. I can’t remember how this happened.
This has been preposterous since the skydiving scene. Like, double-preposterous..
Everybody bails out of the plane like some parachuting bastards. I wonder what’ll happen between Keanu and the pilot.
Oh christ, Utah just bailed out of the plane with a gun instead of a chute. He lands on Bodhi. Seriously. There’s a mention of becoming “meat waffles”. They land and Bodhi escapes. That’ll be the end then.
Amazingly not. Who would’ve thought? Utah is in Australia, if you know what I mean. I see a guy from Home & Away or Neighbours and I am not surprised. They’re only allowed to have 63 registered actors a year there you know.
Bodhi is there of course, following the waves. He fights Johnny for the billionth time. Utah cuffs him and calls in the troops. Because somehow he’s a cop again. Good to see that no one felt the need to explain that.
“There’s no way I can handle a cage man”. “I don’t care, you gotta do down” – most 80s dialogue ever. Utah relents and lets Swayze catch one last wave, knowing he’ll drown the hell out of himself. He does, end, hooray.
So Point Break, good action scenes, not much else, stupid and 80s, goodnight.