On Thursday I tuned into the Jeremy Vine show. After the previous day’s balanced ‘Would you choose a painting over a kidney dialysis machine?’ budget cuts debate, how could I not? Here’s the revised notes on how it went down:
Foolishly, I’m ten minutes late ‘tuning in’. I dread to think what I’m dropping into the middle of.
Jeremy – “Put the phone near the cod”. WTF is going on? “I can’t hear the batter fizz“. I’m double-bemused. Jeremy has a caller on who’s in a chip shop. I still can’t figure out why.
Right, this is a discussion about the problems of too much salt. That still doesn’t explain Vine’s lust for the sound of frying.
A guest mentions buying “a non-Diet Coke”. A Coke then. He’s presumably trying to show off, but it’s just making him sound like a right Coke.
If you played buzzword bingo with the Jeremy Vine, you would have to include:
- “Nanny state”
- “Police state”
- Mention of either ‘the world’ or one of the above “gone mad”
I mention this because ‘nanny state’ was just mentioned. And again, minutes later. The show has only been on 25 minutes.
A listener complains that people live too long nowadays. Seriously. He uses the phrase “Live fast and die young”. Yet he listens to Radio 2. I imagine a mid-40s man, speeding in a convertible, listening to Jeremy Vine, and trying to pick up women half his age.
We now move on to discuss Libya. I wonder what the order of importance is.
I am ashamed, but I laughed at how daft-sounding the name Musa Kusa is.
Talk of Gaddafi’s ‘plan B’ to escape Libya. I consider emailing in to say that it involves rotor blades shooting out of the sides of his fez and him flying off.
There’s mention of Gaddafi landing at Heathrow. I’m hugely surprised that no hilarious jokes about lost luggage are read out.
The phrase “facts on the ground” bothers me. I don’t really understand it. It’s like the non-sports equivalent of “it looks good on paper”.
A guest says “It’s not all black and white”. Sir, this is the Jeremy Vine show on Radio 2. There are literally no people who see things in more black and white terms than these listeners. You want pure binary thinking? Radio 2 is the place.
“Everybody says that one life doesn’t matter” – a studio guest. This somehow just gets ignored.
Musa Kusa talk leads to discussion of the Lockerbie bombing. In reference to it, a guest says “Nobody forgets these days”. I don’t know how to interpret this. Does this mean that people in 2011 don’t forget things that happened 23 years ago? Or by “these days”, does he mean 1988?
And now the discussion moves onto parenting. And it’s pretty uneventful. A dad tries his hardest to be cool by telling us that he and his son listen to Eminem, and then they have a discourse about it.
Jeremy goes insane. He says that youngsters nowadays are so caught up in their TV screens and monitors that they keep a pot beside them to use as a toilet, so as to not be distracted. And, dammit, it’s his show, so he can just say things like that and no one is there to call him on it. Vine could very well end up the Gaddafi of Radio 2.
We now move onto kids lacking social skills and becoming isolated. A guest hits out with a belter of a phrase, presumably (and thus worryingly) putting himself in the mind of a teenage boy in a public shower – “He’s got an enormous one, mine is tiny”.
End of the show.