Radio 1 recently released the above advert to promote T In The Park. Apparently they polled listeners to see what they would like included in this ode to all things Scottish. Presumably the voters requested a pile of horseshit. This advert is full of insincere national pride and deluded ideas of what is inherently Scottish. So let’s break down this stinker into bite-size chunks:
Scottish is the first to laugh
And we’re off to a bad start. Scottish people are only the first to laugh if they’re 100% sure they’re not the subject of the joke. If this advert is going to generalise, then I am too: Scots are a wildly insecure people. You try making a quip to a stranger in Glasgow city centre. If they can be positive you’re not making fun of them, or looking at their girlfriend/pint/dog, then they might smile in response. They’ll only be the first to laugh if no one else is there.
Translation: All other nation’s are weak. We’re so bloody hard that you could punch us twenty times, after we’ve had 15 pints of Tennent’s and been stabbed twice, and we still won’t fall. Or we will, but not right away. We’ll at least wait for the bloody English to fall first.
the first to get back up
Scottish is iron will
Scots have determination. Loads of it. We have the will to stay standing for a long time. And to get back up really quickly
it’s irn bru
Fair enough, go on and represent the national drink, tasty as it is. We Scots are orange-teethed and full of additives. And we don’t capitalise, by the looks of things. I’m working on a theory that Radio 1 listeners can’t read. Incidentally, if you’re not Scottish, you might not know that the rip-off, low budget version of Irn Bru is cleverly named Iron Brew. It’s awful
it’s aye, not yes
Very clever, they’ve put all the ‘i’ sounding stuff together. This does admittedly sound like something a Facebook Idiot would’ve recommended, and is the most acceptable part of this claptrap.
Scottish is walking 500 miles
Being Scottish is literally interpreting song titles. Let’s hope they do something creative with the next bit, instead of continuing with the song lyrics
Gah. The ad has the cheek to stick a pause in after ‘then’, as if we were possibly going to expect something different. “Oh, they used a Proclaimers lyric. Ooft, and another one! Mind-bending”. Bunnets
It’s making friends no matter who, or where, or when
There is no xenophobia in Scotland whatsoever. In fact, if you talked to asylum seekers in Glasgow, not one of them would tell of experiencing any racism at all.
Scottish is the highest mountains
I’m no expert, but it’s not, is it? There are some high mountains, yes, but the highest ones are elsewhere. Unless you mean in the UK? Ah, a sly dig at the English is it? Hey, England, our piles of soil are bigger than your piles of soil. Take that.
Scottish is not English
Let’s stir up some anti-English sentiment, just as thousands of them come to visit. Okay, it’s probably aimed at Americans, or whoever does that “Scotland, that’s in England, right?” thing that has probably never happened. Still, it might be enough to ensure that even the mention of an English person rattles our mental cages. Now, bear in mind that the purpose of this advert is to promote T In The Park, right? And the main headline acts are…English and American. Empower the Scots if you want, but TITP isn’t anything as Scottish as you’re making out
It’s salt and vinegar, it’s salt and sauce
Scottish is salt. Scottish is clogged arteries, amputation and death. Come to Scotland.
Scottish is Primals and it’s Slam and it’s Paulo and it’s Franz and it’s Calvin and it’s Biffy
None of this is my type of music so I’m letting it all go. Except to say ‘Paulo’ presumably refers to ‘Paolo Nutini’. He of the two ‘o’s in his first name, and no ‘u’. See the difference there? But Radio 1 listeners can’t read.
Scottish is good fighters, and even better lovers
We will destroy you with our fists and clubs, with sharpened Irn Bru cans, our biceps steeled by the salt in our bloodstream. When you are dead, we will mate with your women for days at a time.
Scottish is cheering 3-nil up, and even louder 3-nil down
No others sports exist in Scotland except for football. Unless of course they mean basketball, and fans will cheer, no matter which team hits the first three-pointer. The ad at least nails the Scottish loser’s mentality. We don’t cheer as much when winning because we’re not used to it. Get back to losing and we’re on familiar ground.
It’s the cities and the coast
Scottish is Scotland. It’s this bit here and that bit over here. It’s the bits at the sea line, and the bits in-between. Scottish is all the bits of Scotland. Inspired.
Scottish is the best banter
We do love the banter, as long as it’s about football and drinking and calling each other arseholes
Scottish is Kenny and it’s McLeish and it’s Fletcher and it’s Gemell and it’s McCoist and it’s Burns and it’s Sir Alex
I’m not a football fan either so I can let this bit go. Although why, at this juncture, did they decide to use an echo? And why just on ‘Sir Alex’?
Scottish is pride in your clan
What does ‘clan’ even mean nowadays? Your family? Your friends and family? No other group in the world is proud of their friends and family? That’s a shame.
Scottish is that atmosphere
Again, keeping it as vague as possible. What atmosphere, where? Presumably they mean at gigs. The next line is about gig venues. But we haven’t got there yet. So I’ll take it as ‘a general atmosphere that exists in Scotland, whether it’s the cities or the coast, or somewhere between the two’.
Right, so you were referring to gigs then? Is this in reverse order? And you’ve missed an apostrophe in ‘Tut’s’. You tut. Doesn’t matter, Radio 1 listeners can’t read.
It’s being blind to the cold and the wind and the rain
Can’t complain too much here, you do get used to the bad weather (though we don’t stop complaining about). I don’t know if ‘blind’ is the right choice of word though.
It’s the most beautiful place on the planet
Really? We might have nice hills (and high mountains) and some not bad-looking countryside, but the most beautiful place? It’s almost as if the creators of the advert are trying to pander to their audience. Surely not. And here’s the second use of that echo. There must be a hidden message in this advert. So far it reads ‘Sir Alex planet’.
Scottish is snow in June
Scottish weather is bad, but not that bad. There may occasionally be snow in June, on the mountains, but rarely in the cities. But it’s a bit much to suggest that this is a Scottish trait. It’s almost as if the advert is trying to make Scotland seem more hardcore than it is.
Scottish is deep fried
Seriously, this is what you promote as a Scottish trait? Scottish is grease, it’s being unhealthy. It’s premature death and obesity. Good job, Radio 1. Incidentally, I’ve never had a deep-fried Mars Bar.
It’s H A R D C O R E
Scottish is so hardcore it’s upper-case and it’s excessive kerning
Scottish is partying through the rain
Wait, what rain? We’re blind to the rain.
It’s the highlands and the islands
More places that Scottish is. In case you didn’t know, Scottish is places in Scotland. The cities and the coast have already been covered, it’s good to see that other bits are now included. Scottish is places that are Scottish.
It’s a dialect in every town
A bit excessive, not really true.
Scottish is bonnie lassies with fire and ice in their blood
WTF is this? I’ve never heard anyone say ‘bonnie lassies’, except when used ironically or in contrived attempts at Scottishness (like this advert). And unless the ‘fire and ice’ bit is some reference I don’t understand, I really don’t know what to say. Except this: what are you talking about Radio 1?
Scottish is getting together
People in other countries all hate each other. They stay indoors trying to avoid each other as much as possible. Especially the English. If an Englishman tells you he has a friend, he’s lying
It’s the army of the tartan
True, but not clever. Seeing as ‘The Tartan Army’ actually exists, this is completely redundant. It’s like saying Spanish is groups of Spaniards.
Scottish is the loudest crowd
We’re not cheering, we’re gasping in agony because of the heart attack we’re having due to all the deep fried, salty food we eat.
It’s knowing you’re home
What? So if you go home, and recognise said home as the place you live, then you’re Scottish? Do other nationalities find a different place to sleep every night? Or do they suffer from some mental problem that prevents them from recognising their home for what it is? Do they find themselves drawn to enter a particular lodging, but cannot fathom the reason to do so?
Scottish is this weekend on Radio 1
The weekend on Radio 1, being T In The Park, in Scotland, is Scottish. Does that mean that anything that isn’t the weekend on Radio 1 isn’t Scottish? If I listened to Real Radio instead (not that I would), would that be English or Jamaican or Chinese now, given that all the allocated Scottishness has been used up on Radio 1?
Scottish…is T In The Park
Scottish is an event in Scotland
Some pauses thrown in for dramatic effect, and we’re done. Thankfully. They may as well finish on a vague note, what a lot of pish.
And as a side note, a big thanks to WordPress for making the formatting of this post a nightmare. Cheers